Once upon a simpler time, the Oscars were a blessed affair, filled with laughter and lauding and less than two hours of content. Now it is a bloated, bludgeon to the head of modern television.

After scrambling to recover from a Brett Ratner scandal, the annual ratings-suck has settled on Billy Crystal as a tried-and-true host. Crystal’s main draw at this point is that he can manage to get through the ceremony without nipping out back for a joint.

Oh, and he can star in bizarre commercials like this one, where he travels the world as an enigma named “The Host,” and closes with an apologetic smile and a barely funny one-liner.

Oh well, at least this year’s Academy Awards aren’t trying to be young and trendy (we’re still puzzled as to why it was it a singular Oscar last year, and why they fired their entire writing staff). The formula should still work, right? Right guys? You’ll watch it this time around? Please?

J-Connection: Billy Crystal grew up in a Jewish family he describes as "large" and "loving." But we all know that's code for nosy and overbearing.